Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Can i get some advice on the first verse of this?

I鈥檓 lying on the pavement


Staring down the barrel of some fool鈥檚 nine


This is my only way to escape enslavement


From my life, this constant grind


I know this could be the end of my life


I reach deep into my pocket for my knife


Because I鈥檓 not afraid to roll deep


I鈥檝e done it many times before


Still I find myself about to weep


I don鈥檛 want to die face down on this gravel floor


Cause I don鈥檛 want to die some ***** lying on the street


I鈥檓 never gonna let myself except defeat


So I lunge out, pain shooting up my thigh


I can feel as my steel slides into his flesh


I feel myself start to cry


Tears added into the mesh


A mixture of fears


Now a mixture of tears


A mixture of hate


Now a mixture of slanted fate


That鈥檚 turned upon me


A toll that鈥檚 once again has taken its fee


Can i get some advice on the first verse of this?
It's very good. I'm just not sure which lines,as some type of order, are to rhyme. Rhyming words are great, the flow seems uneven. It starts with 1/3; 5/6; 7/9; 11/12; 14/16; if I counted correctly, then each two lines. Maybe it is a method I am not familiar with.

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